If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
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I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
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I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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