i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Come on in and take your pants off
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