I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
