this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
