Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
