I wish I could teleport
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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