just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
