out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
