walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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