She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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