my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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