I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
