How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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