My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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