Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
