One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize