I checked into jail on foursquare
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
