so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
