Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You are the jesus of drinking
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
