go do what you do best...puke behind churches
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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