You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
