I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
