Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Who died my cat blue again?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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