I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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