I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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