Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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