Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My cat gives me a boner
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
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I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
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Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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