The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
