I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
