he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
