I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
