Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
