Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
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I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
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You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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