I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
