if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
