Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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