thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
