I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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