No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
