I need help removing her.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
