I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
