She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
