So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The air was thick with penises
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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