The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
