Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
