see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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