My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
