What did we do last night that was yellow?
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Come see our sink grown plant.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
And then he peed in my hair
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
