Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
