Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
