My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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