She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
