Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
