I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
