I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
