I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We had sex on a dog bed..
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
