You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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