I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
