I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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