Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Pants are for mortals
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
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