I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
