I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
