was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Michael Bay diarrhea
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
