cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
